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Metro. God Damn It.

So I was going to write a post today about stop signs (it’s still going to happen, so get excited) but I had an experience last night that put all other rants on the back burner. What follows is basically just a recount of what happened last night for your entertainment. Yes, Metro was a garbage fire, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to make this blog a blog. Take it or leave it.

Going Out

So I decided to go out last night. My friend lives in Arlington and he has been wanting me to go out with him there since he moved in. I live in Wheaton, which is the opposite side of the red line from Metro Center, where I would need to switch Metro PID Shrugto orange to get to Arlington, so I opted to take the bus from my house to Friendship Heights to save time (lol).

When we arrived at Friendship Heights there were police cars everywhere but I didn’t think much of it (this is DC, after all). I walked down the first set of stairs to the underground level where a tunnel connects the other Metro entrance to the platform. When I arrived there were barricades blocking the way to the escalators to the main platform and three cops standing in front. I walked over knowing already that I had a fun night ahead and asked the stupid question, “is the metro closed?” It was – but the officer assured me that there was a free shuttle bus that would take me to either Bethesda station or Tenleytown-AU. Fine.

I walk back up to ground level to find a crowd forming on the sidewalk waiting for the shuttle bus. I quickly learned that there was absolutely no organization, here. There was one WMATA employee walking around telling us that a bus will arrive “eventually” and to stop complaining because he didn’t know anything (this is clear, sir, you don’t need to reiterate that fact). After about 20 minutes the bus finally comes and is already packed with people because (as I would soon learn) every station starting at Medical Center (NIH) was also closed and they had been picking up passengers along the way. Somehow we packed another 30 people on this already full bus and started making our way towards Tenleytown; finally the nightmare was over.

Just kidding lol. We arrive at Tenleytown with more emergency vehicles blocking the road and find that it is also closed. That’s four metro stations, if you weren’t aware. Everyone is pretty tight-lipped about what’s actually going on (or as the man told us, he doesn’t know anything). We keep moving from Tenleytown, leaving a few people and picking up none because fuck them. The driver says we’re headed to Van Ness Metro station.

The driver drops us off at Van Ness (surely, there can’t be anything wrong). As a mob, we start for the metro entrance to find that it is under construction and closed and then migrate to the other entrance (still as a mob). Getting down to the platform I discover that, in typical Metro fashion, only one side of the Metro was operating. I later realized that it would have to be that way considering all of the proceeding stations were closed. Ironically, it was the side that was going in that direction that was opened.

I walked down the platform when I got there to get away from my mob friends and came upon a group of rowdy-ass kids who were whooping and playing music loud and racing down the platform on skateboards (yes, I’m crotchety an old man). One of the kids even lost his skateboard when it rolled off of the platform into the track and he actually just jumped down there and got it. I did my best to get away from the kids but somehow managed to get into the same train car as them when it arrived (20 minutes later) and they were yelling and carrying on the whole time on the way to Metro Center.

The rest of my trip was pretty uneventful but my transfer at Metro Center was, of course, another 20 minute wait, which only stung because the PID (Passenger Information Display) kindly misinformed us of this fact, saying that the wait should be shorter.

Everything said and done, I left my apartment at 8:45 and arrived at Court House Metro in Arlington at 11pm; a solid 2 & 1/4 hour trip. Along the way I had been giving my friend a play-by-play so, knowing I’d need it, he kindly greeted me at the door with a drink.🙌

Getting Home

Thanks to my friend who kindly greeted me with gin and juice and then continued to keep my cup full, I ended the evening quite sloshed. This is something that I tend to try avoiding, especially when I’m going to be traveling home alone. Amazingly this is my first experience being too drunk to Metro, so I can’t really complain too much.

Long story short, I fell asleep on the train from Clarendon and woke up when I was being kicked off of the train at New Carrollton at 4am. Groggily, I wandered out to the taxi stand (where there were no taxis because 4am) and used (literally) the last bit of battery my phone had to call an Uber Pool and then my phone died. I had no means of knowing whether the car would come or when but I caught my first break of the night when he (Jeffrey) did appear in my pumpkin carriage to take me into the night.

I hop into the back seat and find another gentleman (also named Nick) who had been having a hell of a night himself. He said that he had been riding around in the Uber car for over an hour because Uber had cancelled his ride (without the help of himself or the driver). I’m fairly certain that he paid no part of my ride because my receipt said nothing of splitting the fare, though I saved $3 by using Uber Pool instead of UberX 🎉.

And, well, that’s it. I slept until noon and then immediately went back to bed when I decided that I was too fabulous for the world today. If you have had a more exciting evening please feel free to share your experience in the comments section! Until next time, kids!

  • Katie Schiwy

    are you famous